Feeling "Needy" (book teaser)

I thought I'd share just a mini book teaser with you today. My editor and I are hard at work polishing it up for release. I've been feeling needy lately, which is something I talk about in the book.

A sentimental song came on the radio, my heart flew open and the tears flowed. It was one of those angry yet innocent cries. And these words were coming out of my mouth, “I wish my dad were here. I wish my dad would help me with this kitchen. I want my dad.”

No one is more surprised than me about that episode. I had done so much work to “detach with love” as they say. I tried so hard not to need people. I have a pathological aversion to feeling “need”. That’s probably why I eat my face off when times are tough. I miss my dad? Well there’s Dairy Queen, load up. My relentless independence is really not independence at all. It is a defense mechanism. If I do not need you, you can’t reject me. Clever right?

Is it any wonder why I pushed all my former loves away. Is it any wonder that the only thing I allow myself to need is a pastry in a dimly lit restaurant. Or if we’re being serious, my dimly lit living room surrounded by throw blankets and food delivery boxes. The way I seek comfort is the most destructive place of all.

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I'm embarrassed

Something I've been trying lately is transparency. The new website and coaching business has been a process of being more open than I've ever been.

Sharing my own struggles and life-mishaps can be scary.

But I've been totally surprised, blown away even, but people's response. It seems that authenticity makes others feel liberated too. My coachees have mentioned that reading my stories has helped them be more open in their lives. They're taking leaps like going back to school, making career changes and joining new groups.

So I'm going to keep on going. 

So let me share something I'm embarrassed about.

I pay someone to do my laundry and straighten up my house.

Do I live alone? yes. Do I suck at cleaning and being organized? yes.

So, I hired someone to help me. I don't like asking for help, and I kind of feel like a lazy person for it. But it has also been a tremendous relief. Like, an anti-depressant. Coming home to a clean place feels So so good. And it makes me much more productive. 

I can work on master's homework. I can write songs. I feel lighter.

So I invite you to do something that you really want to do but feel embarrassed about. Like mall walking or eating peanut butter as a meal. I give you permission.

Share it with me too.

Fancy Hotel Cleanse?

This weekend I did something very out of character. I splurged on a wayyyfancy hotel room. (I did get a slammin’ deal though, using Priceline).

Martinis in bed? Yes, please. 

My upcoming weeks will be very busy. Family in town, lots of school, biz building and working out to get good-lookin for summer (bikinis/outdoor concerts/weddings galore).

Why spend the money on yourself?

I’ve been practicing radical self kindness lately. I usually operate on self discipline and restriction in my lifestyle - which is how I found myself 40 pounds heavier, angry, resentful and a less happy version of myself. So I have determined it’s in my best interest to NOT treat myself like crap, because I just end up looking like crap.

So, radical self kindness looks sort of like this. Mondays - I make sure to do something really indulgent like get a manicure. Because...well, Mondays are terrible. The rest of the week I really try to take myself outta-the-cube to do something other than work. Take a little mall walk, meditate etc. And on the weekends, I absolutely absolutely eat brunch. It is probably one of my top activities, no exaggeration. So this impulse 4 star hotel staycation fell into my radical kindness routine. I made no apologies for it.

It was wonderful. I spent time with my sister. We played with my new camera and took ridiculous portraits of each other. We had lattes at the hotel cafe and felt very metropolitan for two girls from North Dakota.

Sister Saturday. Love her!

Later, my man arrived and we drank martinis in bed.

We looked out over the city from the 7th floor and wondered what the other fabulous city dwellers were doing.

Oooh should I cleanse again?!

I did indulge a little too much though. I try not to criticize myself as a rule, and

there is a time and place for hotel room service that includes tater tots and GIANT brownies

But, today I’m feeling sluggish. The old familiar fat feelings are swirling around. So I’ve been Googling “DIY cleanse” and other dangerous terms. If you’re a recovering body hater, you know these thoughts, they don’t go away completely, they just get weaker and your happy muscles get stronger.

So I’m not going to go down that rabbit hole again. Cleanses always make my pendulum swing wide. I do well for a few days and then find myself staring at my reflection in the vending machine glass. Anything extreme is dangerous for me, I’ve learned the hard way.

My own version of a cleanse will be,  more water, more vegetables, more fruit. No sugar for the next 4 to 5 days. And lots of stretching. Oh, and really bad girly TV and early morning workouts with my sis.

And I’m going to do a mental cleanse. The biggest toxins in my brain? Self doubt. Lack of forgiveness. Comparison.

So anytime those words come up I’m going to do a “delete”. An internal “delete” to remind myself that those garbage thoughts don’t belong.

Design your own cleanse

So, what are your cleanse ingredients? We are our own gurus. You can look back at your history and see what your own pitfalls are. Is it the self doubt that trips you up? Do you need to cut out the Doritos for a week? Designing your own cleanse drastically increases the chance that you will be successful.

That’s a cleanse I can get behind. It’s not about punishment, it’s about feeling better.